He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
