Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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