I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
