you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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