Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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