She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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