didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
