I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
