She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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