I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
