I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize