ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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