My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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