yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
