I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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