I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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