I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
