i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
operation have a gay friend backfired
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
