i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
did i just pee glitter
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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