Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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