I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
