Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
