and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
