i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
