if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
