I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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