highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
