last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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