I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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