what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
