I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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