I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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