I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
