so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
