if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
