wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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