just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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