Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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