and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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