1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to jail i love you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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