the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
