a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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