I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
