Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
