probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
