she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
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You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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