Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
