I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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