Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
