I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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