I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize