I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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