I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
