I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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